7 Things That Have No Business Being Haunted

Walking through an antique shop, you see plenty of items that you believe, without a doubt, have some sort of curse or lingering spirit following it. Dolls: oh yeah. Music boxes that only play out of tune: definitely. Ouija boards: get out of here. So what are some objects that don’t always belong in the creepy hall of fame?

1. VHS Tapes
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Example: The Ring (2002), V/H/S (2012)
It used to be that the only fear you felt upon sight of a VHS was having to relive childhood humiliations caught on tape. While history has turned them into little more than rectangular hunks of plastic, it turns out there ARE worse things than watching your sibling push you in a pool (on repeat) as your parents laugh.

2. Cars/Tires
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Example: Christine (1983), Rubber (2010)
It didn’t seem fair to consider cars and tires mutually exclusive, though it is quite a different thing to be stalked by either. Cars are have the advantage because regardless of whether or not it’s possessed, a two ton hunk of metal will always win against a puny human. A tire has to REALLY want you dead, however. That’ll teach you to get them rotated more often.

3. STD’s
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Example: It Follows (2014)
Woah woah woah. As if the possible repercussions of unprotected sex weren’t scary enough, now STD’s really are the gift that keeps on giving… until they murder you… with fear. Thanks a lot, Brad.

4. Wigs
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While a wig might not be the most intimidating thing to look at, it does make sense, especially if it were human hair. Owning a part of someone else’s body in any manner is actually kind of strange when you stop to think about it. So when you go to bed tonight, do your best to try and imbue each strand of hair with your most evil thoughts. You never know.

5. Laundry Machines
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Example: The Mangler (1995)
A car can drive to people, but something like an industrial laundry folding machine only has to wait and victims will come to it. It’s not like people are going to just start folding clothes by themselves. Oh wait, you mean they already do? I’ve just been leaving mine in a disorganized pile this whole time, you know, for safety’s sake.

6. Phones and Phone lines
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Example: One Missed Call (2003 or 2008, your pick), 976-EVIL (1988)
You might think you’re safe from this one because you use WiFi for everything, but you’re not. Just remember how you laughed at me the next time you’re on hold with AT&T and a weird, numb tingling feeling begins to overtake you. Oh wait, that’s just your arm falling asleep from holding your mobile to your ear for so long. Phone queues are the worst.

7. Food
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Example: The Stuff (1985), Poultrygeist (2006)

Do you remember how betrayed you felt the first time you ate a lean cuisine, thinking it was actual food? This is one hundred times worse. This food might actually be delicious but it comes back to wreak havoc on you, and not the way you might imagine.  A gluten free, vegan, or paleo diet won’t keep you safe.

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About the author

Lindsay Arryn is a cute and cuddly creature of the night. She adores all things spooky and shiny, and can be found on Twitter, Instagram, and most other things @nopenotwendy.