Movies

Hear that Mr. Anderson, that is the sound of a Chuck Norris bio-film I'm starring in

Hugo Weaving talks about Hobbit, Red Skull; Calls Megatron Weaksauce

  Hugo Weaving is better known as Elrond from Lord of the Rings.  Or wait, he was also Agent Smith from The Matrix.  Well, he also played V from V for Vendetta.  Alright so he’s really well known for many popular roles, probably none as popular as the sheep dog from Babe, though.  Even lesser known, to my knowledge, was that he played the voice of the papa of all Decepticons, Megatron. 

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Jack Reacher: Tom Cruise Cares About What’s Right

Tom Cruise is well-known for being a diverse actor, dedicated stunt performer and die-hard couch-jumping advocate.  As much as you would disagree with his “religious” views, it’s hard to argue against his acting chops without sounding like a pompous jack-ass.  When a guy decides to rappel from the world’s tallest building, just because the director is taking his sweet time trying to figure out which flavor latte he ordered, you begin to wonder what it is you’re doing with your life, and how you badly need to have an assistant bring you the wrong type of coffee so you can semantically bitch about it.  This is the life we all wish we could live, and Tom Cruise is the harbinger of this life.

David Cronenberg is an idiot

“David Cronenberg is a fucking idiot.” I recognize that all too often, quotes are taken out of context and the meaning of what someone had intended to express can easily be misconstrued. This in-turn, can lead to a plethora of people who jump the gun and are quick to label someone a “fucking idiot”. Rather than succumb to that pitfall I will include a conditional response. Acting under the assumption that what Cronenberg was intending to express is that, simply because Christopher Nolan’s films are interpretations of characters from the comic book medium, it’s impossible for the Batman Trilogy to be considered an “elevated art form”. Whatever the fuck that means. If that’s truly what Cronenberg meant then he has indeed earned the label of fucking idiot. Let’s take that a step further, because he didn’t just say that a comic book movie cannot be “art,” he further articulated that because Batman wears a cape, then he’s regulated to the domain of “for kids”. What a pretentious crock of shit! Okay, it’s possible that I’m being too harsh. Perhaps Cronenberg simply had a different childhood then what we’re used to. Perhaps in the Cronenberg household, movies about psychotic clowns murdering people for their amusement was par for…

The King of Fighters: The Movie – “Review”

I know you shouldn’t judge a movie by its poster, but this pretty much sums up the bullshit you’re in store for Fuck this movie. Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system I can begin. I feel like I’m being disingenuous by even calling this a review because that’s not what this is, it’s a warning.

Summer of Action Movie Watching Pleasure #16: Lone Wolf McQuade

Some people say, that when his chest hair was pulled off by Bruce Lee, it was like pulling the fabric off Space and Time. Other say he was the freak result of an Event Horizon. All we know is we call him, Chuck Norris. I don’t really have an excuse for not acknowledging Chuck Norris’ greatness(he’s the star if you didn’t know). Even if I had an excuse, it wouldn’t matter because I’d get kicked into next week, or possibly out of existence. I’m talking about a man(or deity) who literally gave Sylvester Stallone an ultimatum to exclude all cursing from Expendables II, and then make it a ‘PG’ rated film…or else. In case you’re wondering what “..or else,” means

Summer of Action Movie Watching Pleasure #17: Wheels on Meals

I warned you it would happen and I tried holding off for as long as I could.  In the words of Popeye, “I stands and I stands, til I can’t stands no more.”  So here’s your dose of Jackie!  Wheels on Meals, one of the few 3 Dragons films released in China during the 80′s.  If you didn’t know, the 3 Dragons(or 3 brothers), as their generally called, consists of Jackie Chan(of course), Sammo Hung(you might know him), and Yuen Biao(the least well-known).  The trio met and became friends through the China Drama Academy and went on to make many great films together including Dragons Forever and Lucky Stars. So first off, maybe it crossed your mind and maybe it didn’t.  But, if you’re like me, you probably found the title a bit odd.  Wheels on Meals?  That’s not a typo.  I actually did a bit of snooping and found out that the title was originally titled, Meals on Wheels.  I mean the movie starts with two guys, Jackie and Yuen, serving meals from their awesome food truck with awesome digital on-board food truck sim that opens the trucks doors in real-time, and delivering hot plates of food via skateboard(complete…

How I Learned to Not Hate Mark Ruffalo: Avengers Pseudo-Review

If you’ve seen The Avengers and you have a pulse, you were blown away by it! Several weeks removed, I’m still feeling the chills up my spine. It was Amazing, Incredible, Fantastic, Uncanny even; essentially it embodies every and any adjective that Marvel ascribes to their comic titles. It should go without saying that I absolutely adored everything about The Avengers. Wait… You mean even Mark Ruffalo? Well, that’s why we’re here isn’t it? For those of you who don’t know, I have an unearthly man-crush on Edward Norton. It’s a man-crush which transcends the flesh and extends beyond the cosmos. Few can comprehend, let alone truly understand, such a level of admiration. So you can only begin to imagine my disappointment, coupled with seething rage, when I learned that Edward Norton would not be reprising his role as The Incredible Hulk.

Summer of Action Movie Watching Pleasure: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (#18)

I’m just gonna leave that there. I didn’t have a very good opening statement that would do the movie justice, so when in doubt, stream it. But that’s it! That’s what you get when you have Sergio Leone(The Colossus of Rhodes, The Dollars Trilogy) directing, Ennio Morricone on the 1′s and 2′s, with a powerful cast including Clint Eastwood as Blondie; The Good, Eli Wallach(The Magnificent Seven, Wall Street 2) as Tuco; The Ugly and Lee VanCleef(Death Rides a Horse, Escape From New York) as Angel Eyes; The Bad. Yeah, the trailer apparently switches titles between Tuco, being The Bad, and Angel Eyes, being the Ugly, but chalk it up to translation errors.