Zombieland Review or: How I Bitched So Much It Became an Adventureland Review

I’m not particularly a huge fan of Jesse Eisenberg.  I don’t dislike him, but you won’t catch me going out of my way to see his films and Zombieland was no exception.  Add on the fact that he’s such a one-dimensional actor, and you have a ‘Liz Lemon Certified’ Deal Breaker.  My hate for Jesse Eisenberg was first seeded in a little piece of shite called, ‘Adventureland.’  WORST 8 F@CKING DOLLARS I EVER SPENT!  $16 if you count my wife….and I don’t….or do, depending on her sexy, hazelnut eyes ever seeing this.

Jesse Eisenberg, Y U No Michael Cera?!

2009’s Adventureland was a promising, comical rom-com featuring some of my favorite actors to date;  my man-crush, Ryan Reynolds, the hilarious Bill Hader, the rapidly-rising star Kristen Wiig, and hipster/nerd Martin Starr of Party Down fame (F&G too).  From commercials alone, the movie seemed really funny.  Bill Hader running after people with baseball bats, people getting cock-punched,  Bill Hader being loud and obnoxious, Ryan Reynolds being a womanzier,  corn dogs thrown at faces, awkward boner moments!  What’s not to love?  Well in my humble, but truthful opinion, the movie was crap.  Jesse Eisenberg was like a poor man’s Michael Cera. Sadly enough, I’m not so sure he’s been able to shake that stigma.  The movie fell flat at many different points.  The funny moments were nowhere near as funny as they were in the trailers.  It gave a false sense that you were watching a comedy and rather just watching another bland movie about pseudo-hipster, teen angst drama bullshit sprinkled with some forced sarcasm, comedy that fell flatter than Kristen Stewarts acting and a horribly plotted love story set in…1987?  For what fuckadacious purpose would this movie need to be set in 1987?!  Assuming this movie was targeted at an 18-25 demographic, I think the age of 18-25 year olds in 1987 ranged anywhere from 5 to ‘not fucking born yet.’ The only 80’s reference I can remember off the top of my head is that Reynolds character, Mike, makes a reference to playing a gig with Lou Reed.  Who the fuck under the age 25 (23 in 2009) is going to know who Lou Reed is?  Without looking it up on Wikipedia?  And to their credit, the older cast would probably know who Lou Reed is.  Being as old as me, Eisenberg would probably have heard Lou Reed’s name before but would need a memory check.  Kristen Stewart is younger than the hair follicles on my testicles, and I shave monthly.  She’s not going to know Lou Reed.  You know, at least Cera can play up to the innocent-but-not, shy virgin with adorably clumsy tendencies.  For whatever reason, Eisenberg always comes off as a pretentious, know-it-all who tries too hard to come up with witty dialogue which ends up becoming alienating more than relatable.

Lou Reed everybody. Smell that? That’s douchiness.

Blah!  And I hate it for all the other small crap.  Like Stewarts’ character name, Em, this is short for Emily.  Changing Jennifer to Jen is understandable, or Samantha to Sam or Sammy or Brock fucking Samantha-son!  But changing Emily to Em?  Sounds like some rocket dildo, hipster bullshit.  You know who could get away with Em?  Money Penny!  But on paper it wouldn’t be ‘Em,’ it would just be ‘M’ as in the Motherfucker who takes James Bonds’ messages.   And Lisa P!  I don’t fucking remember any other Lisa’s in the fucking movie!  Do you???  You only use the surname initial if there’s a Lisa G. or a Lisa S.  To say the least, it’s fucking AGGRAVATING!

The Girl Next Door is a lot closer than this annoying bitch.

I also hate the fact that Hader, Wiig and Reynolds’ characters barely even serve a purpose.  I get it, they were used for their star power.  Fucking DUH!  Hader’s and Wiig’s character just had to be the bosses of Adventureland.  For one, Wiig’s character is completely forgettable and could have easily been cut out of the movie entirely.  Hader’s character hardly gets enough attention to even be relatable, let alone Wiig’s.  Same with Reynolds; he only serves the purpose to bang Stewart’s character ONCE to create the chaotic, shit storm of events that happen later in the movie.  You could have just combined Hader and Reynolds’ characters into one person, created a father figure in the boss that Eisenberg’s character was severely lacking in his own alcoholic father, create a relationship and trust between the characters only to find later that Brennan (twat’s name) discovers Bobby is banging Em, the bitch with the stupid name who can’t keep her hands out of her hair.  Then THAT would have made for some juicy footage, and at the very least a predictably, enjoyable twist.

Now on to Zombieland; motherfucker kills Bill Murray!


*sobs* Y U No Dodge Bullet?

WTF!?!?!?!?!  Bill “The Man” Murray?!  Do you know how much I love Bill Murray?  When I was 9 years old, my parents took me to Pizza Hut for making Honor Roll or my birthday, or some other dumb shit that my parents were proud of me for.  You remember ever going to Pizza Hut and the hostess would give you a coloring sheet and some crayons?  On mine it had five questions, and one of them asked, “Who is your favorite actor?”  I wrote “Bill Murray.”  My dad said, “Mijo, Bill Murray isn’t an actor.  He’s a comedian.”  Then I said, “He was in ‘Ghostbusters’ 1 and 2, dad, and ‘What About Bob?’  Richard Dreyfus is an actor!  Ernie Hudson was in ‘The Substitute’ with Tom Beringer!  They’re actors!  WTF, popsicle?”  Needless to say, I got spanked but the point has been made that Bill Murray is a learned doctor of Comedy Jiu-Jitsu in my eyes.
Overall, the movie wasn’t so bad.  I’ve seen Woody Harrelson in a handful of others movies like White Men Can’t Jump, Money Train, No Country and Kingpin, so he isn’t a bad actor by any means.  Emma

Ok, pretty hot but I’d still take the shotgun over her any day of the week.

Stone was actually kind of hot in this movie, but I don’t find her funny or good at acting.  I don’t find her particularly hot either, current case excluded.  And Abigail Breslin is like the new Dakota Fanning, but wasn’t nearly as adorable as she was in Little Miss Sunshine.  But once again, Eisenberg!  I just can’t stand the guy.  His face alone leads thoughts in my head that say, “Cost-efficient Michael Cera,” over and over again.  And yeah ok, so the guy was in ‘The Social Network’ which won a boat load of awards.  Oh, I’m sorry is that it?  Heard of a little movie called Superbad?  How about Scott Pilgrim? No?  How about Juno, maybe?  Well, if none of those work for you, I got two words for you; Arrested Development!  Check mate bitch and your ‘Jesse Eisenberg is Awesome’ comments are now rendered meaningless.  Dude killed Bill Murray and that is just inexcusable!

 

Okay, so I won’t let it end there.  The movie started slow, but a little cocky and we get the extremely overrated Amber Heard right at the beginning of the movie.  She wasn’t even used properly, no bikini?  What gives?  She ends up becoming a zombie soon after because she was bit and it feels like High School of The Dead for a minute.  Unfortunately, Eisenberg escapes by the skin of his porcelain teeth and treks

Pretty hot right? I’d still take the shotgun.

down the Austin highway, which wasn’t even Austin, mind you.  I know, I live here.  The movie was shot in Pennsylvania or some other state I don’t care about.  Why bother shooting in one city if it takes place in another?  Austin is pretty open and accessible to the movie industry and Texas is pretty generous when it comes to lending grants and incentives  for shooting a film in the state.  Anyway, he eventually meets up with Harrelson’s character who doesn’t hesitate to show off his awesomeness.  Eventually, they come across two con artist sisters with half the talent and all the aggression of Sawyer from Lost.  They’re stand-offishness, especially Stone’s character, seems a little pointless.  It’s been proven that, in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse, there is strength in numbers.  And in those numbers, you can get lost and make a break a lot more easily when the hordes overrun your basecamp.  So the male duo get robbed a handful of times in the next 30 minutes by the same female duo and it gets repetitve and dull.  No real zombie killing takes place during this time.  They then come across Bill Murray’s house where Murray is, as expected, the greatest host on the planet.  Why this man has not been asked to host an Oscar night is beyond me.  Then as quickly as he came, he’s killed.  In Murray-like fashion, he makes his own unique exit and the story moves on.  The girls, once again, leave our protagonists behind to go to Adventureland, err, Zombieland.  I don’t know, it was fucking Six Flags for all I care.  I wish it was Adventureland so I would take comfort knowing all those miserable fucks died.  Switches are flipped, lights are on, zombie are attracted to lights and the massacre begins.  Our boys rush, thinking clearly, something must be wrong or they really felt lonely not having any vag in their group anymore.  It’s always nice knowing you have something there, even if you don’t plan to use it.  Vagina’s are no exception.  Church!
So another small Zombocaplypse is unleashed within the confines of Adventureland and the male pro’s soon arrive to save the day and Michael Cera overcomes his fear of clowns and kills one.  That will do the trick.  Although spiders still creep me out no matter how many I kill.  The girls are saved, Woody gets his (tofu) twinkie, the girls take the hummer and George Michael still doesn’t get laid despite all his valiant efforts.  On the next Arrested… err… Zombieland, they take hints from Shaun of The Dead and hopefully do it better.
Dude killed Bill Murray :(

J. Agamemnon

About the author

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Amuro Jay has been writing and editing content for over 6 years. His interests include Gundam, anime, Battlefield, action movies, Gundam, K-Drama, , RPG's, and Gunpla.